Do I belong here?

Well here I am, 3 losses in a row and as usual I'm pretty down on myself. Our last game was against Sparta, the team who won it all last year, and we ended up losing by six. Playing professional basketball is a dream come true but trust me it's not all glam and glitz. In the Grand Scheme of things of life, my problems are miniscule, but in my reality they are a big deal.

I am naturally hard on myself in whatever I do. I guess that can be a good thing but at the same time it can be a bad thing. When I don't perform well or not as well as I would have liked I can almost go into a depression period. Out of all the awards I recieved playing basketball over the years, the honors and the respect I've earned, many times I still feel inadequate. I ask myself, "Should I even still be playing?" At those times, I just want to be alone and don't want the company of anyone. Whenever my team loses a game, whether I played well or not, I always feel like I could have done more to change the outcome. It's a bad mentality to have but somehow, somewhere I picked it up.

I miss the good old days when I played with my brother in highschool and college and I would get in these moods where I felt like I could not perform well and he would always tell me, " They can't stop you!! Keep going hard!" Or he would just say something to anger me a bit because once I got a little angrier, I got more powerful. I've never really been much of a self-motivator when it comes to things of that nature which is definitely not good. It always takes someone to push my buttons to get me going. Even when I didn't have my brother there, I had close teammates who knew me well and would take the place of my brother. I guess it's a good thing that maybe I have to depend more on myself to motivate me because in the future there is only going to be me. I know what I can do and I know I can do it but there is so much more that is involved in performing well. I've always said it and I will continue to say it whether people agree with me or not. I've never considered myself to be all that talented in basketball but more of a hard-working guy who has a die hard competitve nature and hates to lose at anything. With those qualities and some sort of athletic ability I've been able to be successful in basketball. I honestly believe that If I had played football or any other sport I would have been just as good but I could be wrong. I guess it's time to end this pity party of mine and get back to playing the way I used to......with heart and with passion. The only problem with that is my body takes a serious toll but in the end I guess a few aches and pain will be better then the pain of defeat and disgrace. Until next time.....................MK